Shout In Silence
by HuckingHarkness
Summary: Post COE Jack & how he's coping/not coping without Ianto. Jack goes through the grieving process; shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, acceptance & hope. But to every cloud there is a silver-lining...


**Shout in Silence  
_By Katherine Jenkins_**

A/n: I finally bit the bullet and have written by post COE fic. It's a 'song fic'... I've not written one before in my life. At least not like this. I've taken inspiration from a song before, but not included the lyrics before. They're in _italics_ btw. Hope you enjoy- despite the angst & will R&R. Cheers, Cx

**Jack**

Jack stood looking at the setting sun in the distance.

_My silent wish is to be back with you  
The love I left I can't forget  
But it would kill me if you knew_

The burnt orange glow cast the left side of his face in shadow, and illuminated the silent tears on his right cheek, making them sparkle like silver trails. His entire being longed for something he could no longer have. The love he had left. Jack, shaken with the intensity of it, gasped out, barely able to stand. The pain at his very core made it hard to breathe, as tears continued to flow, faster now down his hollow cheeks. He wiped them roughly away with his sleeve in frustration. So many tears- Would they ever stop? He'd tried forgetting, visited every bar, pub and brothel in the vast, foreign city behind him, but regardless of his abstinence of hyper-vodkas for over two thousand years, the effects were minimal and the guilt he felt afterwards for even trying to forget never left him. He couldn't forget his Ianto. Jack knew it would kill him if Ianto saw the mess he was now, the mere shadow of a man that he'd become. Thin, cheeks hollowed, his complexion grey and haunted. His deep, fathomless eyes seemed dulled, washed out, red rimmed and sore. His long great coat dwarfed his frame, and his shoulders sagged. He seemed ancient, tired and dispirited. There was no fire, no excitement or passion. Just a broken soul.

_My silent words are all I have to say  
There was no doubt it would all work out  
When I walked away_

_Ianto._ The single word he couldn't bare to say aloud. The man had meant, did mean, so much to him. He was filled with so many confusing feelings about the quiet man. He thought about all the time he'd lost- wasted in meaningless sex, the year he spent away with the Doctor. He'd been sure Ianto would be waiting for him when he returned, and he was determined to make the most of it, now that he understood. Do it properly this time. He'd even asked him out on a date. He hadn't realised how much Ianto had meant to him until the Master got a hold of him. When Ianto had died that year, his beautiful body laying broken on the Valiant floor in front of him; Jack's world had fallen apart. The memory merged with another-

Ianto lying on the floor of Thames House.

_Too late to turn it all around  
Too late to say I'm sorry now_

Ianto, looking up at him through pain-riddled blue eyes. Ianto's eyes slowly falling closed. His last breath escaping him. Jack gasped in a strangled breath, the memory playing before his eyes. Too late to turn it all around. He'd thought, when he'd stood tall in front of that tank, Ianto by his side, that he could make them surrender. But it hadn't worked. Too late to say 'I'm sorry' now. Too late to say _I love you_. The words Captain Jack Harkness, fearless leader of Torchwood Three, had failed to say. Three precious words, he'd denied Ianto. Here now, as he stood, alone, he still couldn't say them. A lump stuck painfully in his throat.

_Strong sure and proud  
Regrets not allowed  
Too scared to let it out  
I hope in silence  
I pray in silence  
I shout in silence_

He raised his chin, shoulders back, standing tall. He would remember, all that Ianto had done. The good things. No more regrets. Ianto sacrificed himself for the world. He was a hero. It was the worthy death of a hero. Jack turned into the wind, tears drying on his cheeks and his coat, which had been tangled round his feet, caught the wind, blowing gently, with small tendrils of hope. Jack sent a silent prayer to his lover and tentatively whispered his name into the wind.

_I can see right where I want to be  
But it's hard to heal and its impossible to feel  
When your heart's not free_

He remembered the man he used to be. 'Incorrigible', 'enigmatic' 'fearless' were words he'd heard before. He used to be happy- a flirt, a hero, The Captain. He wanted to be that man again, but didn't know how he could achieve it. He'd tried- he'd flirted in a few of the bars, but his heart wasn't in it. He was going through the motions without feeling anything. Every time he saw some potential, he thought of Ianto and the mood was ruined by the renewed guilt and hurt that went through him.

_It hurts knowing I was wrong  
It hurts but I will carry on_

He turned, the sun creating his silhouette, in profile against the slowly darkening sky. He was determined to move on. Not to forget- he could never do that, he'd promised, but he could try to return to life. He was tired of feeling the constant hurt, tired of blaming himself for everything that went wrong. At some point, he thinks it was on a rooftop in Venice, he'd had an epiphany of sorts; realised that it wasn't all his fault. Not on this tiny little planet, because he was only one man and he couldn't control everything.

The universe was a vast place that he'd only seen a small portion of. He'd decided to travel again, to move on. Only this time, perhaps he'd explore the universe. This planet felt small. He wanted to feel smaller, like his actions didn't matter so much. He'd felt a little better after that, even managed to smile a few times. He had a purpose. Now he made the decision that he wanted that back. He wanted to be 'Captain Jack Harkness' again.

_Strong sure and proud  
Regrets not allowed  
Too scared to let it out  
I hope in silence  
I shout in silence_

Jack turned from the setting sun just as it sank below the horizon, his shadow impossibly lengthened, creating a vague path he could follow back towards the sparkling lights of the vibrant city night life. He cleared his mind of all regret he'd been feeling, and thought of the good things, being positive about Ianto for the first time in a long time. He cleared his throat and swallowed the lump there and gave a tentative half smile. It wasn't as difficult as he'd imagined, his face naturally slipping into a habit he'd long fallen out of.

_What do I feel Tell me what do I feel  
And What's the use of turning back the time  
The more that I say means the more that I pay  
It's best for now to keep it all inside  
Deep inside_

As he made his way back, carefully in the rapidly falling darkness, he thought a lot about the few months. He'd experienced so much, through a haze of pain and loneliness. He thinks he'd even fallen over the edge once, his sanity failing him, right after he'd left planet Earth. He'd been consumed in grief and denial and just wanted Ianto back. He'd even thought about travelling back in time and stopping Ianto, changing the events. But eventually he'd surfaced from that particular dark phase and realised that there was no possible way he could change any of the events surrounding himself. Besides, people were starting to give him dangerous looks. If he wasn't careful the Time Agency would catch up with him, and he'd be imprisoned for threatening to destroy the fabric of time. Especially at a time when earth was still a Class five planet.

That was when he'd decided to keep his mouth shut and his thoughts to himself. Just in time too- just as he was boarding a space cruiser to another distant planet, his wrist strap, which had a few more functions working, picked up another time agent in the vicinity. He laughed bitterly, did they think he was actually capable of such a thing? The time travel function on his wrist strap still didn't work. Whatever the Doctor had done to it, he'd ensured that the Face of Boe remained on linear time.

_So Strong sure and proud  
Regrets they're not allowed  
It's too late to shout it out  
It's too late to shout it out  
I hope in silence  
I pray in silence  
I shout in silence_

Night had finally descended completely, the thousands of stars across the sky appearing bigger from this planet, twinkling brightly as Jack reached the clubbing district in the city. He entered a phosphorescent themed club and approached a glowing white bar that pulsed in time with the ethereal music, ordering a house drink for himself as his eyes roamed the talent comprised of semi-translucent beings that glided across the spectrum floor.

Captain Jack Was Back.

* * *

Song: Shout In Silence by Katherine Jenkins. I highly recommend a listen, it's a very moving song about those loved ones left behind in war and conflict.  
Thanks for reading people. Please do take the time to Review if possible. Updates to a certain other fic is on it's way! Carrie ; )


End file.
